This is the moment that I want to die the most. Im having a terrible headache and I've been puking. Rest. Everyone is asking me to rest. Do you think I don't want to? I lie on my bed, my whole head is killing me. Spammed like almost a whole bottle of medical oil on my forehead and it's not working. Thought I will feel better after eating my medicine but I was all wrong. I ended up puking it out.
I couldnt lie on my bed and relax.
I couldnt sleep.
I couldnt even watch tv.
Using my laptop isnt making me feel better. But I have nothing else to do. I want to scream. I want to tell someone that I'm feeling so sick and i need help. But there's no one. Everyone is sleeping now. Even if I wake them up and tell them how I'm feeling, they wouldn't know how to make me feel better. All they will ask me to do is try to sleep, or eat your medicine, or close your eyes and relax.
I've tried all the ways to make myself feel better and to ease the pain. Nothing is working. The only thing that I can think of now is to die. So I won't suffer anymore. I hate being weak and sick all the time. I dont even remember how's it like to feel healthy anymore. I even imagine myself sitting on my window, taking a deep breathe, closing my eyes and then let my body fall on to the ground. Death, I'm not afriad of you anymore. Especially right as this moment.
I need a doctor. To give me a full body check. I want to know whats going on in my body. Why am I so weak? I want a doctor to take my pain away by giving me a jab or whatsoever. But, how am I suppose to tell that to the doctor? I don't have the courage to do so.
Its pretty funny uh. I have the courage to imagine myself jumping down the building but I dont even have the courage to imagine myself talking to the doctor about my body. I guess my fear of the human body is really a factor of my personality. I hate the human body. I hate blood. I hate our flesh and bones and every single vains we have.
I'm not pessimistic. I love life. I love living. But... All I want now is to feel like a human. I want to be physically and mentally strong.
I'm actually typing all these as though I'm having cancer or some deadly illness. Sadly I'm not. If I am, I would reallly chose to die instead of going through painful treatments. I'm not a person that can handle pain well. ):
What's wrong with me?
anxious
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cherylsan's journal
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